By Dr. Towseef Bhat
We are born into society long before we understand ourselves.
From the moment we learn to speak, we also learn to notice opinions, expectations, judgments, and comparisons.
Our identity grows in interaction. Society acts as a mirror, showing us who we are.
Up to a point, this shaping is necessary. Society gives us language, discipline, values, and a sense of belonging. It teaches us modesty, responsibility, and how to live with others.
When social influence guides us and supports our growth and happiness, following it feels natural and comforting.
The danger begins as society stops guiding and starts commanding. Approval takes priority over being true to ourselves. Fear replaces choice. People stop asking what is right for them and focus only on what will shield them from judgment.
This burden is heaviest on the poor. Poverty is more than a lack of money. In a society where worth is measured by lifestyle, it becomes public exposure.
Decision feels like a performance, while failure becomes a story for others to tell.
A poor father watches others cautiously, worried that his children will seem less, that modesty will be mistaken for failure, or that honesty will invite punishment.
Society has made dignity expensive, and he tries to keep up for survival.
I remember a father who came to me for help. He spoke hesitantly. His words were heavy with years of restraint. His younger daughter was in the 11th grade and needed a tablet to continue her education online. He had already taken a loan for the marriage of his elder daughter. The money had gone into rituals, expectations, jewelry, and feasts. We call those things honour.
But what remained was debt and a life narrowed by worry.
He said, almost apologetically, “My daughter got married, but I could not spend more. If I had not, people would have made me the talk of the town.”
In that sentence lived the cruelty of society.
He sacrificed peace, security, and his future, because society does not forgive simplicity. Poverty is accepted only when hidden behind borrowed grandeur.
He spoke of his younger daughter. Her friends had phones, tablets, and access to online resources. She asked only for what was needed for school. Even education had become entangled with comparison. Even learning had a price tag shaped by what others owned.
“The burden of being a father of four daughters is very heavy,” he said. “Especially when you have to keep up with others.”
This was not a complaint, but a confession.
Society had turned fatherhood into debt and daughters into liabilities, by mindset. And then he said something that stayed with me: “I will sell my kidneys and pay you back.” He said it lightly, but it carried unbearable weight.
When a father speaks of selling his body to protect his children’s dignity, the problem lies with society.
No social norm, tradition, or expectation is worth such destruction. This is where society stops shaping and starts crushing. Interaction becomes suffocation.
The tragedy does not end with the father. Children grow up watching these sacrifices. They learn that their needs are burdens, that love is measured in suffering, and that worth is proven by comparison.
They may follow paths out of guilt.
Society celebrates progress, technology, and education, but rarely asks who is paying the hidden price. It praises appearances and ignores the broken backs that hold them up.
It demands equality while ignoring unequal beginnings.
Following society is not wrong when it nurtures wellness and happiness. But when it demands imitation at the cost of survival, it becomes silently violent.
Interaction shapes us, but it should not erase us. We must ask ourselves: Is this shaping helping us grow, or is it diminishing who we are?
A healthy society lets fathers care for their children without going into debt and teaches children to measure worth by character than comparison. It values humanity over display, contentment over competition, and truth over approval.
Until then, many will continue to smile while carrying invisible burdens.
